Gale Force

<disclaimer>I work for NextSTAT. I am NOT an impartial bystander</disclaimer>

For a company whose unofficial slogan is “don’t be evil” Google has just made their most evil, diabolical move to date. THEY STOLE MY (employer’s) TAGLINE! So what gives Goog? I let slide the fact that your cookies don’t expire until 2038. I turned a blind eye when you purchased Urchin and gave away the service for free (future blog post incoming on this one). I pretended I didn’t hear the news that you wanted to buy DoubleClick. But this…this has gone too far!

Allow me to introduce my evidence:

Exhibit A: The NextSTAT logo that has been around for at least 2 years. Note the TM appearing next to the logo and tagline.

Exhibit B: A screenshot from the Google Analytics product tour.

“the next generation web analytics tool”? I cry foul! That’s my line…and you stole it! I demand justice! Can you tell from my excessive use of exclamation marks that I’m morally outraged?

Google, as much as I enjoy your well-engineered products (especially Google Reader <3 <3), I can no longer remain silent in the face of your evil deeds. My blog, and the 13 people who have ever read it, will fight you to the bitter end**.

That is all.

** Jon Gale has not received the support of his blog audience in his crusade against the evil-doings of Google.

At work last week I set up some MRTG reports to monitor our MySQL servers. I used the handy mrtg-mysql-load utility to get queries/slow queries information but I also needed to monitor the number of records in a particular table and graph it using MRTG. For those unfamiliar with MRTG, graphing “custom” data is very simple. All you need to do is write a script that outputs 4 lines:

Line 1 -current state of the first variable, normally ‘incoming bytes count’
Line 2 -current state of the second variable, normally ‘outgoing bytes count’
Line 3 -string (in any human readable format), telling the uptime of the target.
Line 4 -string, telling the name of the target.

So I created a simple script to get the record count from a particular table:

Which I would call passing the MySQL database host as the first argument. Once I had the script I added a new MRTG target like this:

You’ll notice that I’m adding the totals from 3 different servers to graph a single sum value in MRTG. Any mathematical expression can be used to generate your graph values. From the manual:

You can also combine several target definitions in a mathematical expression. Any syntactically correct expression that the Perl interpreter can evaluate to will work. An expression could be used, for example, to aggregate both B channels in an ISDN connection or to calculate the percentage hard disk utilization of a server from the absolute used space and total capacity.

For a graph like this you’ll want to use similar options to the ones I used above. nopercent disables percentage display, growright tells the graph to read from left to right instead of the default right to left, gauge tell MRTG that the data points are “current status” measurements rather than ever-increasing counters, noi tells MRTG there is no “input” data to compare against “output” data and a few cosmetic display options. The resulting graph looks something like this:

So there you go…a quick and easy way to monitor entries in a MySQL table using MRTG.

Wow…2 “roundup” posts in as many weeks. You may think I’m losing my penchant for coming up with original blog content. You’re probably right. So on with the show:

Lego + Religion = Awesome!

“Rev. Smith has stated that the goal of The Brick Testament is to give people an increased knowledge of the contents of The Bible in a way that is fun and compelling while staying very true to the original versions. To this end, all stories are retold using direct quotes from The Bible.”

There isn’t a subject matter in the world that can’t be made more interesting with a few buckets of Lego! You don’t want to miss: Moses Commits Murder or Paul Circumcises New Companion (ouch!)

New Meat Cuts

“It’s no secret that grocery stores are adding coffee bars, mouthwatering boulangeries, even sushi bars in hopes of wooing increasingly discerning consumers who want high-quality food without hours of preparation.

The same is true in the butcher case, where a combination of improved butchering techniques and marketing magic have generated new, attractively named cuts of meat designed to appeal to flavor- and time-conscious cooks.

And now these cutting-edge cuts — which include the flatiron, the Western griller, ranch steak and petite tender, to name a few — even are showing up on restaurant menus.”

You’d think by now they would have cut up a cow just about every way imaginable…guess not. Hooray for progress!

Nerdliest Credit Card

“Accrue World of Warcraft gametime at the rate of 1% of every dollar in qualifying purchases. The World of Warcraft Rewards Visa is the only card that pays you to play. “

I thought for sure I’d have some witty comment ready to add to the end of this story…but alas /got nuttin.

GO JAZZ! Didn’t I say they’d extend this series to seven and give themselves a great chance to advance to round 2? Oh, that’s right…I wrote about them losing in 6. My reverse-psychology motivational ploy worked like a charm! AK, Dee-dub, Booz, Harp — I got your backs.

So picture this…I’m at the game last night and it’s the 4th quarter in a win-or-die game for the Jazz. I had watched a 10 point lead dwindle down to one as the Rockets made an admirable attempt to close out the series. The Jazz came out of a timeout and went on a little rally that got them back up by seven. On their next trip down the court Memo (MONEY!) Okur got the kickout pass while hanging out behind the 3-point line and let it fly. I prayed yesterday that his shot would come back to him (not really) and sure enough…nothing but net! The crowd went insane.

Then it happened…

The guy in seat 6 jumped up and started dishing out the high-fives. I’m talking full-fledged, hard-as-you-can, hand stinging, in-your-face, “am-I-going-to-be-in-the-evening-news” high fives. First the guy on his left, then 2 people in the row behind us, then the drunk bearded guy from row 15. I could tell they were all friends having shared neighboring seats throughout the entire season.

Then I did it…I raised my hand toward him.

I didn’t know this guy from Adam but I was compelled to join in on the celebration. In the split second it took for his hand to reach up and slap mine, I saw the look. The “who-does-this-guy-think-he-is?” look. It was awkward.

You know…I guess it wouldn’t be so bad if the Jazz lost game 7. Some of the guys look like they could use a break and I’m sure they have some nice family activities lined up for the summer. Oh..and I’d never have to see the guy in seat 6 again.

Don’t forget that today is National Day of Prayer.  In other news, there’s a National Day of Prayer…they even have their own task force.  Now what exactly does the NDP task force do?  The name seems a bit oxymoronic…”task force” evokes images of Navy Seals or a S.W.A.T. team breaking down your down, tossing in a few concussion grenades, running around in their really cool combat gear while yelling at the top of their lungs: “GET ON THE GROUND!”.  I guess that’s what the NDP task force does but instead of Navy Seals it’s Bishops and Priests gently knocking on your door, waiting for you to answer then yelling “GET ON YOUR KNEES!   NOW!  DON’T MAKE ME TELL YOU AGAIN!” all while waving a censer in your face so the incense smoke will confuse you.  Anything to get the American public to pray I guess.

So what will you be praying for today?

My 7 year old son has just published his first blog post. I thought I was worried when my wife started blogging, now my son’s trying to horn in on my wobby (I just invented the word wobby - it means a Web Hobby. So says I). The worst part is that even he’s a better writer than I am — I mean that post about the concrete…it was poignant, concise and the grammar was excellent! I guess it’s true what they say…you know the one about how your kids steal your wobbies, make you look unintelligent and then make you pay for their college.

Hey 5 year old daughter of mine…where can I read YOUR blog?

OK. my dad poured cement with three other people.helicopters are blowing in it.

There’s quite a little uproar going on about the release of a certain hex key that can be used to decrypt HD DVD movies. Apparently the AACS doesn’t like it when you publish that particular key on your blog. Desperate for anything to drive some attention and traffic to my blog, I have decided to post that key here; however, I’m going to disguise it as a poem so no one will recognize it for what it really is!

Oh Nine, Eff Nine
One one zero two!
Nine Dee Seven Four,
Ee Three Five Bee.
Dee Eight
Four one
Five Six, See Five?
Sicks Three Five Six,
Eight eight See ZERO.

fin

So welcome AACS, MPAA and other industry watchdogs! Hope you enjoyed my poem.

My wife started blogging.  I’m not sure how I feel about it just yet…on the one hand, the internet needs more blogs.  On the other hand, what if more people read her blog than mine?  Does that make me less of a man?

The truth of the matter is, more people should read her blog because she’s a much better writer than I am.  So here’s the deal…if you have enough time to read two more blogs, read us both.  If you only have enough internet tube-width for one more blog, choose wisely.